Steal this idea - Alien Mulch in NC

Mention that you're a writer, and everyone has a story for you. I'm trying to buy leaf mulch to amend the cement, uh, clay that surrounds my house. During the call, he idly asks what I do for a living. Even though I've made only enough money to feed three mice for a week from my writing, I tell him, "I'm a writer." "Oh yeah," he starts, "well let me tell you about the time I was trucking across Texas. Man, I had to go real bad...(fifteen minutes later)...and when I looked at my clock, I was amazed. Those damn aliens had me back in my truck and only one minute had passed. And the most amazing thing was, I didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore."

He brings me no mulch, but you can write his story for him.