Monday, April 9, 2012

MMWUC: Don't Make Me Angry At Your Book

It's all my fault. After stuffing myself with so much chocolate that I could hardly move, I went to the Red Box for a movie. Watching a movie seemed like a good idea, but I chose badly. Fifteen minutes into the movie, my wife said, "Is this the type of movie that is like the stories you get annoyed with and start ranting about in your office?" Yep. 2012: Ice Age is unwatchable unless you're high on mild drugs. If it were a book, it'd be unreadable. It'd be a "1" on Amazon. I'd be writing a story critique that I'd have to put in my desk and not send. Now, I just want my $1.25 back.

"Dad. What can make clouds like that?" "Glaciers, fast moving glaciers." Are you kidding me? Yes, these self-propelled glaciers moved from Iceland (or Greenland) 1,000 miles to Maine in two hours supposedly ejected from their moorings by volcanic activity without slowing down. Never mind that the scientists calculated the speed at 200 mph. And the protagonists are trying to beat the angry glacier to New York City (389 miles) in a succession of cars in six hours. That timeline makes no sense. The dialogue is inane, The characterizations moronic. The special affects (details) laughable. And I had no idea there were palm trees in Maine that need trimming by 100 foot long ice crystals pooped from the glacier. (I know some Mainers read my blog...please confirm about the palm trees.)

Yes, this Monday morning wake-up call has little to do with the craft of writing...or maybe it does. And yes, the picture of author Peter Bernhardt, The Stasi File, is as arbitrary as the alpine village with 13,000 foot peaks in Newfoundland being swallowed up by the 200 foot tall glacier.

5 comments:

Don McCandless said...

So someone used their artistic license to drive off a cliff?
As long as we’re discussing the vagarities of Hollywood, would someone please explain why The Ten Commandments is shown on Easter? My very holy sisters patiently explain this every year, but their reasoning continues to be met with dumbfounded confusion. Why not Ben-Hur? I ask. That movie is about the events surrounding the life and death of Jesus. The other one is about Moses. Not that I don’t enjoy Edward G. Robinson’s performance in TTC, one of the most unintentional moments of hilarity in Hollywood history, but TTC is an Old Testament story. I’m just sayin’ . . .

Rick Bylina said...

$. It feels holy and makes money. And there are no fast moving glaciers though I suspect if Moses had to dip down to the eighth plague, he could have conjured them up.

Brian Pittman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brian Pittman said...

I think it boils down to arbitrary television traditions such as The Wizard of Oz on TNT and Gone with the Wind at least twice a summer. Viewers expect it, advertisers pay for it, therefore it comes to pass on a television schedule. Personally, I wish they would at least go back to some of the useful t.v. staples like Disney features on Sunday night. At least then you have somewhere to park the micropeople!

Don McCandless said...

The almighty buck, huh? I've heard this explanation before, but since we don't do irony here in Missouri, that line of thought doesn't compute. One of the movie's pivotal moments is, afterall, about worshiping a golden calf. I guess I'll continue ignoring the annual TTC telecast and watch my DVD of Judah B-H getting one over on Messala in the chariot race shortly before Pilate does his thing.
FYI, and IMHO, the Ice-Age sequel-sequel, as in most retreads, was a mere shadow of the original. All these attempts to milk a dry cow are a sad testament to those who decide what gets read, watched, and listened to.